Trying the unpalatable- Addressing your insecurities

 

Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

Bitter and sour. Those are two sensations that not everyone are comfortable with. When was the last time you checked in with yourself? What are you really feeling deep down? What are the demons you hesitate to face or sit down with?

Recalling the slow sinking feeling, sends shivers down my spine... I was diagnosed with chronic depression and high anxiety in 2020. It might have started because of the devastating COVID-19 pandemic you might think, but honestly, I was running away from my problems, my demons since way too long and 2019 was a breaking point, yet I chose to ignore the struggles I was going through. I labelled it as a "Phase"...

Ever since I can remember, the feeling of staying numb gave me a cushioning comfort like no other... This did affect my relationships- with friends and family. The more I ran away, the more tighter its grip became. This went on until I felt lonely even with people around me, something within me had started to crawl into a shell that separated me from reality, from feelings and from connections. There was a point where I could not understand the passage of time, I was experiencing something called "dissociation". This later turned into many suicidal attempts which were, now that I look back at it look foolish and desperate, a low point in life, I am thankful that none of them were successful. 

A second chance is usually not offered many a time and I was somehow given many, I guess something within me wanted to give life another try. This led me to therapy and frequent visits to the psychiatrist which many consider a stigma but I consider it a blessing that has turned my life for the better. I am not saying I am happy and that my depression has gone away or that it has been cured. 

What I have been offered is a chance to change the way I have treated myself, giving my inner child that never got to see brighter dreams, another way to dream again. To be with her when she feels left out and to share moments of celebration of me as an adult with her, showing that we can experience what we want, by mere choice that is fueled by grit and will power.  

Let us sit down for a bit... Tell me, when was the last time you searched for answers within your mind?

It is definitely something that has been pestering me for way too long, so this time, I did sit down with my demons to talk about what has been going wrong, what patterns needed to stay and what had to change. I have learnt a bit more about myself in the process and I choose to be comfortable and accepting of all parts of me. What have you done for you today?